Realization

I was supposedly reading my Developmental Psych text book when I started to really think of some of the reasons why I have not been able to settle in Life Solution.

One of the major reasons I realized was because I couldn't be myself in Life Solution. The pastor and some of my friends in Life Solution- who has known me since my time in Church of Praise- have sort of expected me to act and behave in certain ways. For example, I was known to be the quite one, the serious one, the one who is always available to serve, the one who doesn't play much.

But the thing is, I have changed over the years. As I think back, a few of them were a little shocked when I added some lame jokes during conversations. I could tell they weren't use to me telling lame jokes. I played football with Veryn and a few other people a few months back and Pastor told me he was shocked to see me play. Little things like this, made me pull back. I don't laugh as much or talk as much as I would if I was in Revival Center. It made me wanna live up to their 'expectation' or rather impression of me. I hardly am able to be who I am: the me that I've become today.

I guess that is why I haven't been able to click with anyone in Life Solution. I have been there for slight more than 6 months (not including the time i was back in Malaysia) and have not found someone to be close to. I find it hard cause I can't be that bubbly side of me. No one is use to it and somehow the atmosphere gets really weird when I try.I tried, I really did.

I would say this made me wanna leave. I wanna go somewhere that I can just be me. Not having to live the me when I was back in JB. Not that it was bad. It's just that I changed. I wanna go somewhere that I can start anew; start fresh.

Mum is concerned about me not serving, not availing myself for God to use. I have only visited churches for the pass 2 weeks. So far I have no decided on anything yet. I am still praying about it too. I know it's important to serve, but I really do not want to serve just for the sake of serving. I somehow lost that fire in me. I tried to bring a little more energy into the worship sessions but every time I did, people just did not respond as I expect. Is clapping hands that hard? Is lifting your hands during worship that hard? I got a little dishearten by the worship atmosphere in church. If pastor was around, things aren't that bad. It isn't hard to tell that when pastor isn't around, very few would respond to worship. I use to question whether or not I was the cause they were not as enthusiastic about worship. I had compliments but I still wasn't satisfied. I wasn't happy to see people not responding. Maybe it's just me and my high expectations. But if the Holy Spirit was moving, why aren't people responding? Have I limit responding to merely lifting of hands? I was asked to worship lead during YA camp, and I enjoyed it! It was different. I knew the Holy Spirit was moving and I could see people responding.

Anyway, I thought taking 2 months of the roster would be a better idea. Pray along with me. I really wanna find a church that I can settle in. Be it Life Solution or another church. Somewhere I can serve with joy and also make some close friends. Somewhere I am free to be myself.