I called the tile of this post "the phase" as my hope is that what I
am going to share will only be a short interval of a long journey
together....
As I quietly draft this post at the
Victoria's state library after another depressing day at work, I ponder
over the arguments that we have encountered over the past few months,
including last night's escalated argument.
I love my
wife, I really do. I feel happy when she is around me and when we
actually do things together. I love it when she smiles and gives me
support when I am going through down times.
For the
past 4-5 months, work is rapidly becoming a depressing thought each
morning when I wake up. I think my boss dislikes me for my direct
approach, has his favorite, and does not really watch over his
subordinates. I go to work each day wondering what I am going to do as
work is minimal these days. Well to me perhaps it is as some of my team
members keep all their work to themselves. We are not winning any
project at all. Even if we do we have a system where we get work based
on who they know and who their favorite is. Work does not get propagated
down from our boss but instead goes directly to the engineers. From
previous projects, our boss does not distribute work to us but he
himself goes to site and spend projects money on his trips and travel
for months & months....alone or with his favorite worker . Weird
system right ? Hence being the most "junior" member in the team and
not having many contacts moving from NZ, I am either left with no work
or left with the scrap work that no body wants to do.... I get paid
pretty decent for this kind of no value work but I am not sure how long I
can carry on like this....
On days like this I wish I
didn't have any responsibilities and quit and get a lower pay job as I
wish. I also can't wait for Shannon to start working and I am sure she
is too.
Anyway, each depressing day occasionally
follows up with an argument at home with my darling wife. After staying
together and through this adjusting period, I have learned so much about
Shan and things that I never consciously knew about myself. How she
handles conflicts is so different from me. Shan likes to keep it to
herself and give me the silent treatment while I expressively hammer
away until I get some my desired response or a solution to the problem
as quick as possible....
The good side is that we are
learning more about each other and learning how to approach conflicts a
little bit better. Shan is an amazing person with an amazing heart. I
feel terrible when I make her upset and try to change myself. The
problem with that is I find it torturing changing myself and even when
things are getting better I feel like I am not myself anymore... I feel
depress and occasionally resentful towards her.
There
are also other issues that we are dealing with at the moment and we
appreciate your prayers as we go through this phase. A few years down
the road when we look back at our first year of marriage, I would like
us to laugh about this phase and be an example for other couples out
there including our future children on how we dealt with this
challenging phase.
Richard
